the weigh in

So today was the day that we found out who won. I wanted it so bad. I was pretty nervous all morning and realized that I didn't stand a chance and then I stopped being nervous. I think the part that hurt the most was I was in the top 10 for women, and i lost more than the winner. I knew I worked so hard the last three months.

So after my loss we came home and I cried awhile. Then we left for the mountains. I knew i was going to be worse just sitting at home dwelling on the fact i didn't win. So me and the the three younger boys trekked up in the mountain. We went all of the way to the train tressal. That was a long walk. As we were walking I did a lot of thinking

The first thing i was thinking about was the lady that won wasn't that big and i knew that was going to get me. the second thing I was thinking I really want to be done but where is that going to get me. If I quit now how disappointed my friends would be in me. There is no way my friends would let me quit. the third thing i was thinking is how lucky I am to have such amazing people in my life. You cant take life for granted because you don't know when its going to be over. You have to live your life the best you can.

I had a good talk with my friend Mark the other day. He told me the thing with people like me and him are that we are never going to be happy with how we look. And he is so very right. He doesn't have to be but he is. I've never been happy with how I look and I probably never will be. But once I get down to where I want to be I can accept it and stay positive.

I really wanted to win that Wii but I probably would have just given it away. Just knowing I won would have been such a huge achievement for me. I would have started believing in myself more. But if I stop believing in myself than others will too. And I will not be the cause of that. My friends and family mean to much to me.